Missing Pieces

One of the major downsides of being with the one person for the entirety of your adult life is the fact that some of you does not grow independently, in a way you become like to emotionally conjoined twins. In my case the part that did not grow was the ability to have opinions of my own, an ability to be responsible for my own actions. In order for this to happen, I had to subjugate my needs to the needs of others because to put myself first would be selfish, add two children into the equation and I was left with a fragile shell containing the wisps of a personality without substance. I was recently told that I can be very hurtful in how I speak to others and that it has been attributed to the way that not-romeo drained me of all self confidence, it did raise a wan smile as the person who "kindly" relayed this information to me was probably the person who most undermined my self confidence my whole life, but that is a completely different counselling session! I can see that now, and although I have forgiven myself the flaw, I did after all think I was being funny!, I understand the extent to which I have had to protect the fragile shell. My biggest challenge now is in building those "Missing Pieces" of my personality, giving substance to the ghostly presence I have had to date. In a way this blog is part of that as I would have always talked out my thoughts, gotten approval for them mainly and definitely scripted them carefully to make sure they were not dismissed as silly. I miss being able to "file" my thoughts through talking, but in writing this I am aware that the fear of being dismissed caused me to censor my thoughts too, so what exactly was I talking through? So many missing pieces.

Epiphanies

Leave it to an Irish person to create a way of saying "I have just had a really clever thought and I even know a specific word to make me look clever while saying it". I am not sure if basking in the cleverness of having epiphanies is enough to make everything feel better but it will do for the moment. So, the major epiphany came thanks to my counsellor who, in doubtless frustration, put it very directly to me that my need to remain on good terms with not-romeo stems from my addiction to the titbits of tenderness he has fed me over the years, Hello my name is hopeless and I am a recovering not-romeo addict. They say you can tell how a man will treat you by the way he treats his animals and I hate to be yet another cliche but I am afraid it actually makes sense in this situation. We had a beautiful dog who adored not-romeo and in his way he adored her back, but he did not walk her unless it suited him and even then it would never be the run of the mill daily walk that she needed it was always the big exciting drive to the beach, the day out walk. He usually fed her but sometimes he forgot and he got angry if I had not realised that he had not fed her and sorted it out. When he gave of himself to her he did it abundantly but he only did it sporadically and on his terms, never when the benefit was solely for her, feels very familiar. Not-romeo was very jealous of the relationship I have with our children and would often complain that I never spent any time on him, he would ask our children who they loved more of the two of us or who was the best cook, etc. I realise now that I took the place of his mother in a way that she never fulfilled and that our marriage ended when I could no longer fulfill that role because I was someone elses mother. He is now caught in an emotional situation he has no escape from because his mother is finally giving him the love and attention he has craved for so long, and it will only last as long as they are united in enmity against me. Last night was the full moon and I cast my first proper spell of release. I asked the goddess to release me from his insecurities and his paranoia and from my addiction to his crumbs of genuine, unselfish tenderness. With this post I choose to view myself as no longer part of his vision but as entirely part of my own. Goodbye not-romeo, thank you for our children and for the good times we had together, thank you for loving me in your way, no matter how destructive, it was all you had to give. I am sorry for the damage that has been done to you but I take no part in it, I cannot carry you any further and pray that you will learn to carry yourself but now I am free.

All the little lego pieces

Realising things that really should have been obvious from day one creates a very strange physical feeling and I have become aware of the extent to which I have been able to mentally "know" something while completely ignoring it in my heart. Instead of using my brain to understand reality I have been using it to deflect it, quite brilliantly I might add! This is the 9th week of separation and I have to confess that I am still finding reality quite disconcerting especially when I see the things I prioritised with so much energy in the early stages, now completed and devoid of meaning. My room is an example, I invested money and time in decorating and creating a little haven for myself which was the number one priority, now it is completed and I don't know what to focus on any more. I had also invested so much of myself in believing in him and he has failed me at every opportunity which forces me to face the reality of how much I have protected the world from over the years, I have not been a wife, I have been the mother of a scared, insecure toddler. I can now forgive myself for holding on for so long, how does anyone with a heart abandon someone who needs them so desperately, but I have real children of my own now and he is willing to hurt them for his own agenda and I cannot abandon them and they are my absolute priority. So now I have to stop hiding in little projects and other priorities and accept that all the little lego pieces of my life have fallen apart and I can either keep stepping on them in my bare feet or I can roll up my sleeves and start building something new with them, time to focus on the opportunities that await