Epiphanies

Leave it to an Irish person to create a way of saying "I have just had a really clever thought and I even know a specific word to make me look clever while saying it". I am not sure if basking in the cleverness of having epiphanies is enough to make everything feel better but it will do for the moment. So, the major epiphany came thanks to my counsellor who, in doubtless frustration, put it very directly to me that my need to remain on good terms with not-romeo stems from my addiction to the titbits of tenderness he has fed me over the years, Hello my name is hopeless and I am a recovering not-romeo addict. They say you can tell how a man will treat you by the way he treats his animals and I hate to be yet another cliche but I am afraid it actually makes sense in this situation. We had a beautiful dog who adored not-romeo and in his way he adored her back, but he did not walk her unless it suited him and even then it would never be the run of the mill daily walk that she needed it was always the big exciting drive to the beach, the day out walk. He usually fed her but sometimes he forgot and he got angry if I had not realised that he had not fed her and sorted it out. When he gave of himself to her he did it abundantly but he only did it sporadically and on his terms, never when the benefit was solely for her, feels very familiar. Not-romeo was very jealous of the relationship I have with our children and would often complain that I never spent any time on him, he would ask our children who they loved more of the two of us or who was the best cook, etc. I realise now that I took the place of his mother in a way that she never fulfilled and that our marriage ended when I could no longer fulfill that role because I was someone elses mother. He is now caught in an emotional situation he has no escape from because his mother is finally giving him the love and attention he has craved for so long, and it will only last as long as they are united in enmity against me. Last night was the full moon and I cast my first proper spell of release. I asked the goddess to release me from his insecurities and his paranoia and from my addiction to his crumbs of genuine, unselfish tenderness. With this post I choose to view myself as no longer part of his vision but as entirely part of my own. Goodbye not-romeo, thank you for our children and for the good times we had together, thank you for loving me in your way, no matter how destructive, it was all you had to give. I am sorry for the damage that has been done to you but I take no part in it, I cannot carry you any further and pray that you will learn to carry yourself but now I am free.