Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true... isn't it?

I am beginning the blame the failure of my marriage on the musical "Wicked", but at the very least it will explain the title of this blog! I think the idea that "Happy" is the result of all your dreams coming true probably keeps a lot of people in bad places because if you wanted something so badly, and it turns out to be not what you expected emotionally, while outwardly filling all the visible criteria, it is so hard to see that the situation is wrong and not just your perception of it. I remember thinking not long ago that I would have to stay on antidepressants all my life just to be able to stay with not-romeo, and the horror of a thought like that never even registered, it was just added to the shopping list. I live each day at the moment with a tremendous sense of loss but has taken a while for me to realise that what I feel I have lost is the "Happy" the illusion of perfection when you have the big handsome husband (the tall fireman of all iconic images) the perfect family (beautiful boy and girl), the nice house, etc. etc. but when the life inside those walls is one of quiet desperation, well it is a fully thing to call "Happy". That is why the song from Wicked has been going around in my head all weekend but I am pleased to recognise that it has been replaced by a new one today..."Loathing, unconditional loathing, I loath it all..." I have a feeling I will be kicking those tablets a lot sooner than I thought

Getting up-side-down

My head is still a constant flow of contradictions, did I ever love him? if not how terrible a person am I to have wasted 18 years of his life? Did he pick me because he could see a weakness he could exploit?... the list goes on. I know I have reached a point of paralysis in my recovery because we are waiting for mediation and I am genuinely afraid he will try to force his way back into the house, don't get me wrong, I know it is very unfair that he is the one living with his family, etc but if I was to go an live with my family I would have to quit my job and move the children to a new town and new schools, he has had the benefit of having his family around the corner for 15 years and I have had to live without mine, this is the offshoot of that arrangement. I am also at a complete impasse over money as my income will drop significantly this month and he is still refusing to pay me in advance forcing me to pay the mortgage at the beginning of the month so he can give me money in dribs and drabs over the course of the month but not giving me enough to cover the cost of the mortgage never mind to contribute toward the children. Two major worries. To my great surprise I have found a way to remove the constant chatter in my head, if only for a few moments and it is getting up-side-down in a yoga headstand. It genuinely makes me feel better and although I have been told it would it is hard to believe these things until you try them. But here is the irony, I can't do one without the help of an adult to hold my legs - asking him back for 5 minutes every evening might be a step too far...

New Beginnings

While my head is a long way from out of the mire I at least can control where my body is so I have been working hard to fit in some exercise to reduce the stress an make me feel physically stronger - amazing how that is tied so tightly to my emotional strength, I need to feel like a warrior to act like one. I want to say that I am so mature and classy that the 5k walks have had nothing to do with the fact that non-romeo has been getting in shape and looks great, but that is not the case, at least it is only a small amount of the motivation as I am not trying to lure him back (he was never bothered by my weight). In the interest of starting this new fitness approach I had my first yoga class last night. It was really tough but felt amazing especially when I managed a supported head stand for the first time in my life. Huge sense of achievement. It was a moment of truth to realise that some of the moves I could do years ago, I really cannot and the fuel I am putting into my body is actually making me sluggish and not giving me energy. The sad things about these epiphanies is that they do not always lead to a change in behaviour but one of the other aspects of Yoga is positive thinking so you never know! For the moment my new favourite poses are dolphin and supported headstand, if I can just get someone to hold my legs at home...

Lives of quiet desperation

A little over a year ago when not-romeo and I were having a bit of a bad patch my Dad told me that many people live lives of quiet desperation and I remember thinking that he was trying to say that I should be happy with that, little did I realise that he was trying to tell me that he could see that was the situation I was in and he was trying to get me to realise it. So now I have realised it and you could argue that I have removed the cause of that paralysis of quiet desperation but if that is the case, why do I continually second guess myself. Possible reasons: The children - on a good day the smallest child can manipulate the default guilt mode of any mommy to wrap them around the smallest finger, so you can imagine how dangerous these little guys are when armed with "you threw my daddy out" ( I didn't for the record, he left, I just did not let him come back, a small but significant point in my meager defense against the children). Am I just being selfish putting my happiness over their need to have daddy live with them or is the removal of the caustic atmosphere of recent months reason enough and I can only hope they will realise this in time? The family curse - my lovely aforementioned dad inflicted all of his children with an acute sense of "lets look at this from the perspective of the other person", so I cannot look at the damage not-romeo inflicted on the relationship without seeing my flaws at the same time, causing me to second guess my decisions and to always, always feel compassion and sadness for the losses he has experienced, like loosing his home and his children, ok he sees them all the time but I know he feels the loss. I question whether or not I am within my rights to put my needs for happiness ahead of his. Revisionist history - I have been trying to fill the time that the children are with their daddy by doing "projects" outside of the run of the mill housekeeping and this has resulted in me finding some old cards he wrote to me and little keepsakes that I had saved from the early days of our relationship and it hurts. Even up until very recently I have cards for anniversaries or Christmas that say he loves me and appreciates me and they show all the sweet, tender and loving sides that I know are in him but that have been so overshadowed by insecurity, fear of failure and stress during the last few years and that have caused him to inflict his anger and disappointment on me, but still I think part of me will always love that part of him and will always be lonely for it, just another form of quiet desperation

Just a phase

At least that is what I hope it is! It is like a weird sense of paralysis, there are times I am physically stuck in place unable to move, just standing there emotionally wiped out. It comes when I remember times that we enjoyed together. I dream about our life together at night and it is always the fun, sweet, loving person in those dreams, but in reality I hardly remember the amount of times I saw him over the last few years and I miss him dreadfully. There is a stupid part of me that thinks if I could just tell him that, he would stop being so angry all the time and that kind, caring guy, not riddled by overwhelming self doubt would come home to our family but that is just the triumph of optimism over experience as that insecurity has built a wall around him now that he will defend at all costs. I don't want to believe that I have been emotionally abused, that his self doubt made him drag me down and forced him to need to control me, not my life or my finances, just my sense of self worth, you see, not a really bad guy on purpose, just infected and needing to infect me too. And I accept for my part I was wide open for infection, coming to the relationship with gaping holes in my confidence armour. As he got angrier, more an more stressed by the perceived judgements of those around him, I crawled more and more inside myself and away from him until giving an opinion on anything at all was a skill I no longer had. We were both so riddled with our own self doubt that we each saw the other as needing use to protect them and in the end no one was getting any protection. So I guess you could say I am grieving the loss of a really great guy who could have been my everything forever if only things had been different, I am grieving the loss of innocence for my two babies who may never forgive us for failing them in this way and grieving the future I held onto so tightly that he would stop being so angry when x or y happened and I would see the beautiful soul I fell in love with again and not be constantly worried about what I said or asked or how I had become just another one of the disappointments in his life.

How quickly we forget

I am 6 weeks into a pretty nasty separation from Not-Romeo (of all the names I could think of for him that was the most bloggable!) and I started to miss him last night. I see him most days and it is rarely a pleasure and we had a row yesterday morning so what on earth my head was doing thinking of him fondly last night is beyond my comprehension. He came over to collect the babies this morning and my first instinct was to hug him! Seriously, what is wrong with me? I should thank him though as he was kind enough to remind me instantly of why I have to get away from this guy, he is good like that. So why start a blog? Well I wrote a blog for a short while 4 years ago and when I look back at it I realise how desperately I was already trying to hide from myself the problems in my marriage. I am now living in Not-Romeo's home town, with two beautiful babies, completely isolated from any support with the exception of my amazing family who live an hour away and my even more fabulous sister who lives in a different country. I am trying to balance working, desperately scrambling to make mortgage payments on a negative equity house, caring for two very hurt and frightened children and keeping my emotionally abusive (and once physically abusive) Not-Romeo from insisting that he has to move back in and trying to get a life of my own, so a fun, happy blog for anyone daft enough to read. Such is my nature that I would not open up, even to an imaginary public, if I did not believe that I could succeed in this task so despite the tone of the above paragraph I am very confident (mostly) of my ability to steer this broomstick to safety, babies in tow.