Getting up-side-down

My head is still a constant flow of contradictions, did I ever love him? if not how terrible a person am I to have wasted 18 years of his life? Did he pick me because he could see a weakness he could exploit?... the list goes on. I know I have reached a point of paralysis in my recovery because we are waiting for mediation and I am genuinely afraid he will try to force his way back into the house, don't get me wrong, I know it is very unfair that he is the one living with his family, etc but if I was to go an live with my family I would have to quit my job and move the children to a new town and new schools, he has had the benefit of having his family around the corner for 15 years and I have had to live without mine, this is the offshoot of that arrangement. I am also at a complete impasse over money as my income will drop significantly this month and he is still refusing to pay me in advance forcing me to pay the mortgage at the beginning of the month so he can give me money in dribs and drabs over the course of the month but not giving me enough to cover the cost of the mortgage never mind to contribute toward the children. Two major worries. To my great surprise I have found a way to remove the constant chatter in my head, if only for a few moments and it is getting up-side-down in a yoga headstand. It genuinely makes me feel better and although I have been told it would it is hard to believe these things until you try them. But here is the irony, I can't do one without the help of an adult to hold my legs - asking him back for 5 minutes every evening might be a step too far...