Just a phase

At least that is what I hope it is! It is like a weird sense of paralysis, there are times I am physically stuck in place unable to move, just standing there emotionally wiped out. It comes when I remember times that we enjoyed together. I dream about our life together at night and it is always the fun, sweet, loving person in those dreams, but in reality I hardly remember the amount of times I saw him over the last few years and I miss him dreadfully. There is a stupid part of me that thinks if I could just tell him that, he would stop being so angry all the time and that kind, caring guy, not riddled by overwhelming self doubt would come home to our family but that is just the triumph of optimism over experience as that insecurity has built a wall around him now that he will defend at all costs. I don't want to believe that I have been emotionally abused, that his self doubt made him drag me down and forced him to need to control me, not my life or my finances, just my sense of self worth, you see, not a really bad guy on purpose, just infected and needing to infect me too. And I accept for my part I was wide open for infection, coming to the relationship with gaping holes in my confidence armour. As he got angrier, more an more stressed by the perceived judgements of those around him, I crawled more and more inside myself and away from him until giving an opinion on anything at all was a skill I no longer had. We were both so riddled with our own self doubt that we each saw the other as needing use to protect them and in the end no one was getting any protection. So I guess you could say I am grieving the loss of a really great guy who could have been my everything forever if only things had been different, I am grieving the loss of innocence for my two babies who may never forgive us for failing them in this way and grieving the future I held onto so tightly that he would stop being so angry when x or y happened and I would see the beautiful soul I fell in love with again and not be constantly worried about what I said or asked or how I had become just another one of the disappointments in his life.